I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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