He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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