that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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