I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
