How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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