just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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