I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
