totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
