I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
don't judge my taste in strippers
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
