I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize