If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize