did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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