Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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