I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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