gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
