how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
