Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
