Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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