I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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