EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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