Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
