Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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