hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize