It's Friday. Sex?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
