I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize