My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
