I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
