I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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