My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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