im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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