you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
