I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
