Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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