Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
wrigley field is MILF paradise
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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