btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
