I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We are all done wearing pants today
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
