Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sacagawea was the original milf.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
