I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
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Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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