I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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