Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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