Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
