pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
