where am i from again
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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