A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
