I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The beer is more important than you right now.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
