stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
