I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize