We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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