They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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