If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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