Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
