Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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