my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
