Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
