her facebook's as public as her vagina
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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