see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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