Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
