i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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