He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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