New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize