Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
