so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
