Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
