i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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