11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
