Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
